This one goes out to the male readers out there, or the girlfriends that are concerned about their boos look.
Face
it; facial hair is what you’re being judged on these days. With all the cuts,
styles and shaves it can be confusing to decide on the right look to represent
who you are and how you want to be seen by society. To make your job a little
easier I’ve compiled a list of styles and what they say about you, but be
warned there are a select few decent looks that you should stick with. Choose
wisely.
The “Handlebar”
Handlebar Moustaches used to be seen as the “classy”
moustache in the 1940’s, you would see rich men drinking champagne and tickling
the rim of their glass, was a thick beautifully twisted moustache. It again
rose to popularity in contemporary culture when hipsters took it over as their
signature look, thus giving the handlebar moustache a “douchebaggy” connotation.
The “Pencil thin”
In todays society pencil thin moustaches are rarely seen in
day-to-day life probably because most people associate them with being “pervy”,
all in all if you find yourself with one of these moustaches you should shave
it immediately…
The “Goatee”
Traditionally in medieval and renaissance art Satan was
generally depicted as having a goatee. In popular culture generally only guys
that think they are all that but have clearly missed the boat on what’s cool
rock a goatee.
The “Tom Selleck”
So if you’re familiar with Friends (which I hope you are)
then you’ll know Chandler and Joey craved Richard’s (Tom Selleck) moustache,
due to the distinguished look it represented. If you are fortunate enough to
grow a Tom Selleck then you’ll soon find yourself with a scotch on the rocks,
smoking a cigar, with a flock of beautiful ladies by your side. You really can’t go wrong with this one.
The “Crustache”
Here are the telltale signs you’re sporting a crustache;
it’s patchy, scraggly, or your moustache looks like your 12-year-old brother’s
did when he thought it was a good idea to try growing a moustache. If any of
these signs sound familiar, immediately shave.
The “Chinstrap”
If groomed correctly the chinstrap can add definition to
your jawline, if you let it grow out…just don’t, you want that jaw definition.
The “Nottingham”
The last time you saw this one was either that time you took
a jog through the forest just to happen across a plaid clad lumberjack or that
time you went over for steak at your uncles house. If you have one of these it
says you’re manly enough to grow a beard AND respectable enough to keep it
clean.
The “Soul Patch”
There are a million and one good things from the 90’s that
have come back this year; the soul patch isn’t one of them. If you have one of
these now it says your boy band still hasn’t been signed. But keep trying;
we’re all waiting for a new N’Sync. Seriously.
The “Muttonchops”
You’re sideburns have become unruly and your cheekbones cannot
be located. The only plausible reason for these heaps of hair to take over your
face is if your face gets insufferably cold, if so shave your face and buy a
trapper hat.
The “Big Beard with Long Hair”
You probably listen to metal, and go to metal shows, and
hangout with all your metal friends that also have big beards and long hair.
You guys are probably drinking cheap beer in the back of a van full of amps and
drums. There might be some left over beer from the other day in your big beard.
The “Big Beard No Moustache”
Hi, planet of the apes called and told us to tell you that
you stole their look.
The “Big Beard No Hair”
No one understands how this happens, it must be by choice
and that’s a really bad choice. This
style leaves us questioning who shaves their head but grows their beard, other
than the people on storage hunters.
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